The Importance of Vulnerability in Your Marriage

Shamon and I were standing face to face.  It was one of "those" conversations.  You know, one of those that could go really, really well, or could fall apart.  I felt the butterflies in my stomach, my heart rate quicken, my throat tighten just a bit.  I heard that voice in my head... the one that said, "say it.  It's important that you say what you need to say".  BUT!  How was I supposed to know if saying it would lead to the "good ending" or the "fall apart" ending?  These kinds of conversations highlight the importance of vulnerability in your marriage.When I say the word "vulnerability", what comes to mind? Weakness? Frailty? The dictionary definition of the word "vulnerability" is "the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally". Wow. This definition certainly makes you question the importance of vulnerability in your marriage, doesn't it?

But, for the sake of your relationship, let's try a different definition.  

At Harper Therapy, the definition if vulnerability is "uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure".  It's the act of showing up in our authentic truth and allowing ourselves to be seen, warts and all, with no guarantee of the outcome.Still doesn't feel warm and fuzzy, does it? (Read more below video!)

So why are we talking about The Importance of Vulnerability in Your Marriage?

Because in our relationships, vulnerability is the foundation that everything is built on.John and Julie Gottman, those relationship gurus who have studied what makes marriages successful for over 40 years, identify trust and commitment as the "walls" of a sound relationship house.  While I haven't studied relationships for 40 years, I know for sure, after 23 years of marriage, that vulnerability is the foundation that the walls of trust and commitment are laid on.  

Vulnerability is the only honest way in relationship

The truth is, we are either open and vulnerable in our relationship, or we're holding back a part of ourselves, hiding behind our armor.  Keeping ourselves from the possibility of connecting intimately as we so desire from our relationships.  Not being vulnerable also keeps us from being able to fully trust and commit to ourselves, our partners, and our marriage.

But why is it so hard to be vulnerable?

It makes perfect sense that vulnerability doesn't come naturally, because society tells us that vulnerability is weakness.  In our lives, in order to protect ourselves from the discomfort of vulnerability and to feel like we're more in control, we learn to "armor up".

So it makes sense that when that voice in your head says "Just say it! Speak your truth!", you squash it down.But what if there's another way?  What if you and your partner could learn the path of vulnerable connection with one another? Harper Therapy can help with these skills. Yiara can guide you on this journey and our workshops and intensives can give you an opportunity to practice.

Contact us today, call 813-434-3639 to schedule your appointment.