Love Languages in Your Marriage
When your relationship first started, you and your partner spoke the same language: love. All of those feel-good chemicals were flowing and you could anticipate your spouse's next words. But now, you're in the Messy Middle and are wondering if your partner is even speaking English. You're looking at your "love cup" and it's bone dry. So you try harder to speak to your partner in French, but they reply in Mandarin. What the hell is going on? You and your spouse have different love languages - ways that you communicate love and admiration. So we're here today to help you translate by sharing the five love languages in your marriage.
Five Love Languages in Your Marriage
The Love Languages in Your Marriage is based on the tried-and-true concepts from Gary Chapman's classic book that is especially important during the Messy Middle of Marriage, when there's much less time and energy to invest in "getting it right" in our marriage.The key to remember is that we each have our own love language in your marriage, and we usually try to express love in that "language". The problem with this is that, by proxy, we try to speak the same language to our partner. Guess what?! We're usually partnered with someone who speaks a different love language!
SO, it's important to recognize what our own love language is, so that we can ask for what we need, and be aware of our spouse's love language, so that we can give that to our partner.
What are the Love Languages in Your Marriage?
There are Five Love Languages. We tend to have a primary love language, but be aware that there is a likelihood that another is a close second -- for both you and your spouse.
Here are the Five Love Languages in Your Marriage:
Words of Affirmation - This "language" uses words to affirm and voice appreciation for other people. When this is one of your primary love languages in your marriage, you get the "warm fuzzies" when someone says something nice to you. If this is your Love Language (or your partner's!), it's important to keep in mind that harsh words land especially hard for you, which is one of the reasons your partner insists that what they said is "no big deal" and you feel you've been punched in the gut! When this happens, have a follow-up conversation to let your partner know (or remind them) how impactful their words are on you.
Acts of Service -- This "language" is the epitome of "actions speak louder than words". If this is one of your primary love languages in your marriage, your partner doing tasks for you is especially meaningful (and especially the tasks you most despise doing!). Your love cup runs over when your partner empties the dishwasher or picks of the dry cleaning, but if they forget to pick up the milk on the way home from work, watch out!! It's clear "evidence" to you that they "don't care enough" to remember the task. Again, keep in mind that our primary love language is usually not our partner's, so they don't understand why you're crying over forgotten milk. Gently remind your partner that your hurt feelings are not so much about the milk, but the meaning behind them getting the milk!
Gifts -- If this is one of your primary love languages in your marriage, small tokens mean the world to you. And they don't necessarily need to be bought or expensive items. They're a reminder to you that your partner is thinking about you. But when it's been a while since you've received a gift from your partner, it makes you wonder if they still care, so keep this in mind and pipe up -- "You know, I really love it when you bring in a flower that you've picked from the garden for me. It makes me feel so important to you!"
Quality Time -- This is all about having your partner's undivided attention. That makes you feel like you're the most loved person on the planet!! Whether you're watching your favorite Netflix show together, enjoying a meal, or paddle boarding, spending time together is your jam! But if your partner is distracted, on their phone, or in any way not "present", this makes you feel like you're alone on a deserted island, so be sure to ask your partner to put the phone down, or see if there's a better time to connect when they're not feeling pulled in so many directions.
Physical Touch - Ok, ok. I know what you're thinking. Stereotypically speaking, there's an assumption that physical touch is the male partner's primary love language, and the assumption is that this = sex. Not so much. When physical touch is a primary love language in your marriage, the touch is any appropriate touch, which isn't necessarily sexual in nature (although it certainly can be!). So, if you feel amazing when your partner holds your hand, give you a hug, or rubs your shoulders, physical touch is likely a love language of yours. Conversely, you feel like you're in a cold dungeon cell when you do not get the physical touch that you need. So reach out and touch your partner. Ask for a hug. You'll be happy you did!
Knowing about Love Languages in Your Marriage is one more tool to have in navigating through the Messy Middle of Marriage. Harper Therapy can help build your relationship toolbox to help you find Hope * Growth * Healing, as well as greater intimacy and connection in your marriage. Our couple's specialist, Yiara, can help! Schedule an appointment today by calling 813-434-3639 to schedule a free consultation.
