Thoughts from the Geeky Kid turned Therapist on Your Teen's Social Anxiety

I (Yolanda) was just thinking recently about my high school days.  I remember specifically there being a person that I went to school with that I felt like we were very similar. There might have even been a little competition there as far as who made the best grades, who was getting what scholarship, and who was invited to what parties. I remember spending hours in front of the mirror, getting my hair and makeup just right.  I remember trying to hide in the corners of the cafeteria and at football games and parties, stressing out about what I would say if someone were to try to talk to me.  This got me to thinking about how uncomfortable social situations can be for our teens and especially for our teens who have an element of some anxiety as far as social situations -- some teen social anxiety.

So today, we’d share some tips about how to help our teens through that social anxiety. To start, we are going to really be mindful about bullying. It's something that is really on the radar right now because it is happening way too often.  The bullying our kids are facing now is very different than what our experiences were growing up.  Teens today take bullying to an unbelievable level.If there is any bullying now, or if there has been any bullying for your child in the past, address that because otherwise the social anxiety is just going to continue and continue and build and build.After we've addressed any bullying that might be happening, after we have made sure that there's no bullying at play, we're going to recognize all of the things that we've talked about before as far as anxiety goes and use some of those tips.

We're going to move our bodies. Anxiety is energy, so we're going to get some exercise to release some of that energy. We're going to eat well, stay hydrated, get good sleep. We are also going to recognize that a lot of people who have social anxiety tend to have more introverted personalities.

I know that I am definitely an introvert! Any other introverts out there? Raise your hand!In a society that has a lot of focus on the social realm and building social networks and being best friends with everyone, it takes a lot of guts to honorour introverted-ness! As an introvert, I don't want to be around a lot of people. I have a smaller set of friends that I’m closer with. I hate making small talk!I'm much more comfortable in the house in my pjs, so that's going to be my comfort zone and I'm going to recognize that's what I’m going to gravitate to.But also, in that space, let me find some social situations that I'm going to be a little bit more comfortable in.Going to a big, huge party is not going to be comfortable for me, but maybe meeting one-on-one or with my small group of close friends, maybe that's what the social interactions look like.

With social anxiety, a lot of what is at play is threats to our social construct. In caveman days, life or death was being chased by a dinosaur.It was eat or be eaten.  And our social world was very important.  If we were part of the group, we got extra protection.  Isolation meant certain death.   These days, the threats are not as much to our physical well-being as they are to our social status and our social construct. We can recognize some of those stories that we tell ourselves about our social status – stories that are not entirely accurate.When I’m struggling with some of the inaccurate stories I tell myself, I like to play a game that I call the "playing the homeless under the bridge game".What really would need to happen for me to be homeless under a bridge? Is it really true that everybody hates me? Is it really true that no one wants to hang out with me? 

A big part of this is also recognizing who our people are. Very realistically, in a world that has so much focus on the social aspects and on social media, there's this thought that we're supposed to be best friends with everybody and that's just not reality! I like to think of this as the Marble Jar Friends. Who are those friends who have invested in your life?

When my kids were in elementary school, their teacher had a marble jar at the front of the classroom. When the kids in the class make good choices, the teacher would put marbles into the jar.When the kids in the class collectively made bad choices, or had poor behavior, the teacher would take marbles out of the jar. That's a great metaphor for our relationships. What are the relationships who the people have invested in us and we've invested in them? These are the people who now my dogs' names. These are the people who ask me about a recent conversation that I had that I was a little nervous about. These are the people who pick up the phone and call me on my birthday, or who make plans to have dinner with me on my birthday. So, it's getting clear as to who are our real people? Who's our tribe? And in recognizing that we're not going to be best friends with the whole world. We're not supposed to be!

So talking through that with our teen to say, "Who are the people that you really jive with? Who do you get along with? Who do you have things in common with?  Who treats you with respect? Who is not running around, telling things that you tell them in confidence?" Those are the people that we're going to focus time and energy on building relationship with so that we can have those positive social interactions, and we can build on those. 

Part of it, too, is stretching ourselves just outside of our comfort zone and engaging in social interactions that are just slightly uncomfortable so that we can stretch and grow a little bit. Finally, I want to just share something that I've had people in the past tell me that in our time together in therapy has been one of the most powerful tools that we have used. Take a post-it note that is just a 3x3 post-it note, draw a square in the middle of the post-it note, make it 1 by 1 inch, then make a list of the people in your life whose opinions of you matter!  Not everybody gets to have an opinion about me in my life! So, who are those people? Society wants to say that this should be a big number of people, that our "tribe" should be tens and hundreds and thousands. We're not talking about that big of a number of people. We're talking about two, three, maybe four that would fit into a 1 by 1-inch square. So, having that clear list for your teen who might be having some social anxiety about whose opinions of you matter the most - and let's spend time cultivating some of those relationships and having some social interaction with those people because those are the people who matter to us in our lives!

We are here to be your home for Hope, Growth, and Healing for your teen through their social anxiety. One of the things that is really helpful as far as anxiety goes, and then especially with social anxiety, is using Accelerated Resolution Therapy. Meet our teen therapists, Chris and Alina!