Three Important Tips for Helping Your Teen through Transition

Growing up as an Army Brat, I (Yolanda) quickly became an expert on transition.  I went to two different high schools and lived in three different houses during my teen years. Then, starting college was another big change for me.  Transition and change is a part of life, of course, but can be especially challenging to navigate through during the teen years.Because of the unique experiences that teens face, we wanted to share some tips on how to help support your teen through transition. Again, we want that perspective of things that we look at through our adult lenses as not a deal are pretty significant issues in transitions for our kids.

Transitions for teens at a time where they are half-adult and half-child can be a challenge! Transitions can be any number of things. We are coming to the end of a school year, so for some teens that means shifting from high school to college, from some from middle school to high school.Other transitions are moving, picking up a new activity, sleep-away camp, visiting colleges. It can be an assortment of things. Divorce, navigating through changes in family dynamics, that can be a big transition, as well as going from one parent to spending time with the other.

Sometimes our kids get really involved in sports, in certain sports leagues, and sometimes we as parents decide to transfer them to a different league, from recreational to competitive. Those can be some pretty significant transitions, as well.

When we look at those transitions, a couple of things that are important to keep in mind is that while as adults we develop those skills to transition, a lot of our teens haven't. In these situations, you can see the difference between a child who may be anxious and one who may be avoidant, both of which are more trouble signs.  For an anxious child, you might notice behaviors that can impact sleep, decision-making, daily behaviors, an impact on mood, and increased irritability.  For a child who is avoidant, you might notice that they withdraw, avoid tasks, make excuses, not do things, do nothing. Neither of these ways of handling transition allows our kids to learn how to work through these hard things.  Contrast these ways of coping with a child who is uncomfortable but taking appropriate steps of working through transition, which is very normal and expected. Because change is a part of life, think of guiding your teen through transitions as a way of helping them develop life-long healthy coping skills.

Anytime we're under any type of threat, or perceived threat, the typical response is fight, flight, freeze response and then a big dump of adrenaline that leads to anxiety or avoidance.

There are three things to keep in mind when you're dealing with your young adult or teen and transition.

Number one, talk about it! Talk about it, prepare, practice, rehearse, "what if", role-playing, "just suppose".  Because if we can talk to them about it, they can put it into their own framework, relate to it in a way that works for them, and put a plan together.As parents, we might tend to do our own avoiding, sweeping things under the rug, but talking about it with your teen really normalizes that we all go through transitions. We all go through hard things, and together we can build a skill set and help support you with it.

Number two is to help them tap into those times in the past that they've had successes: "Hey, remember when you spent time with Grandma? You didn’t think you could do that, but you did!”“Hey, remember when you went from elementary school to middle school? That was hard, but what helped?" Tapping into those past successes reminds them that they have done similar hard things before and survived it and can use some of those skills that they've acquired. You can add further encouragement, "You're bigger. you're stronger. You're more mature now. You have more skills!"

Number three is to remember that we can't do it for them, and we can't hold them to our same expectations: They're going to struggle. They are going to fail. They're going to make mistakes. This is so hard for us as parents! Oftentimes, we want to call the shots, we want to do the hard things for them to protect them from the struggle. But this isn’t life!

The fact is that as much as we want to protect our kids, we can’t be there all the time. When we give them support while they’re still under our roof, we’re there to cheer them on, help them get back up when they fall, and prove to themselves that they can do hard things.

So, the bottom line is to rehearse it with them, support them, be there for them, and help them tap into those skills that they have acquired along the way. This process of resiliency is a learned trait! At Harper Therapy, we would love to help support you, your family, and your teen through that transition. Give us a call at 813-434-3639 so we can talk through what's going on for you guys and your family, and how we can help.