What does my teenager need in 2024?
What is life like for a teenager today?
Many parents of teenagers today aim to give their children everything they never had growing up. Access to the newest clothes, video games, sleepovers with their friends, a stable roof over their heads, and warm food on the table. These were luxuries growing up that our parents may have struggled to give us and we were taught to cherish these luxuries because they should and needed to be enough for us. Since this was the love we received from our parents, this is often the love that we give to our children. However, as lovely as the newest phones, video games, clothes, or shoes may have been for you as a teen, to a teenager today these are no longer luxuries but are instead seen as mundane. To a teenager, those occurrences that were once luxuries are as common as expecting the heat during the Florida summer. This is not what a teenager needs. No, what teens need is exactly what everyone does, to feel heard and accepted for who they are. But what does that mean exactly?
As human beings, we have two fundamental needs aside from food and water. These needs are to feel as though we belong in the world and to have safety emotionally, physically, or mentally. These needs can be traced back to our homo-sapien ancestors who thrived in a community that supported them to live another day as power in numbers was the difference between life and death.
While circumstances in 2024 are not as severe as getting chased by a bear on an average Tuesday, our nervous system continues to perceive threats daily and react according to these perceived threats. For a teenager, threats can include being afraid of walking down the halls at school hoping that they won’t be the next person whos targeted verbally or physically for their looks, fearing asking their teacher a question so that they aren’t labeled as “the dumb kid”, losing all of their friends after fighting with only one member of the group, or even their first break up. To a 15-year-old, 16-year-old, or 17-year-old these events are equivalent to being chased by a whole zoo because they are receiving two excruciating messages; that they are rejected by their peers and they are unsafe in their environment.
How does it present itself?
Since your teen has these fundamental needs, what does it look like when these needs are not being met? Adolescence is a difficult time in most people's lives as they are learning to navigate the world as adults but are still treated like children. Imagine constantly receiving the message that they do not belong, that they are different, that they are a burden, that their interests are not important, or that they hardly receive positive attention whether solely in school, social media, or even at home. This will increase feelings of depression which can look like hiding in their room all day, struggling with school work, anger outbursts, playing video games for hours, lack/increase of appetite, and loneliness.
Along with belonging, safety is fundamental to your child’s mental health. We were always taught to assume that safety meant that you were not in any physical threat, however, safety is so much more than that. Safety or lack of can stem from words or intentions behind someone’s behaviors. For example, being made fun of for the way you say a word, having your biggest insecurity as your nickname, hearing “no one cares” when you are talking about your latest interest, or having weaponized your feelings against you. Without the feeling of safety, a teenager’s anxiety will skyrocket, and they will withdraw from activities they once loved, or avoid social isolation in fear of the unknown. They will continue to seek comfort through avoidance.
Next steps
It is important to note that while your child’s relationship with their peers is out of your circle of control, your relationship with your child is within your control. Providing education on ways to improve your relationship with your child, healing from wounds, or strategizing ways to get their needs met can be the difference between them feeling alone in the world and feeling attached to someone who accepts them for exactly who they are. The beautiful truth about your teen’s needs is that you have the power to give them the acceptance and the safety that they crave. This can be through quality time, words of affirmation, or even physical touch if they are willing. If your child is struggling to feel connected and safe, they will likely continue to seek these needs in unhealthy or dangerous places, like drugs or unhealthy friendships. However, the age of adolescence is also the age where they are the most malleable and can learn to do different behaviors in their adulthood. Having our needs met is as important as the food we eat every day, take the first step by reaching out to Harper Therapy today
