What Does It Mean to Have Needs In A Relationship?
Society has often painted marriage and relationships with rose-colored lenses. Movies and media have instilled in us that the prince saves the princess at the end of the story, the evil obstacles melt away never to be seen again, and your relationship will live happily ever after. Except that you can’t live happily ever without the realities of life sneaking behind you to remind you that life is not a movie and relationships can never be perfect.
How can you live happily ever after if you constantly argue about things that have no importance, like the placement of the ketchup bottle? Most of the time, the ketchup bottle is a mask that distracts you from the truth that you have tried so hard to conceal or did not realize you knew, that you need something your partner is not giving you and can’t figure out how to say that. You are likely unsure of what you need or how to ask for it because perhaps no one taught you how. All you know is that you are angry, unhappy, and a little resentful and can’t seem to find a way out of this spiral. You may even be worried about losing your partner as your anger is bleeding into your ability to feel connected and be vulnerable with them. Now not only do you feel alone, but they do too.
The truth that no one may have taught you is that in relationships, there are often moments of anger or pain and that with resolution and repair, you can and will be able to move forward. However, without identifying the root of your needs, the cycle will likely continue until you are left feeling emotionally neglected, again.
What is a need and what are my needs?
Needs are fundamental requirements necessary for survival which often includes the feeling of safety and belonging in a relationship with another person and with yourself. According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, our needs in order include our physiological needs like food and water, safety needs such as personal safety, love and belonging, esteem, and self-actualization meaning one's desire to be the best that you can be. This school of thought believes that until we can meet our needs on one level of needs we will not be able to move on to the next level. In other words, if I have never truly had a safe place to sleep or food to eat I will struggle to feel safe or if I have never felt safety and security I will not be able to feel like I belong or are accepted.
In relationships, our needs are often experienced in surface-level situations but can have a deeper impact on your relationship. For example, perhaps you get angry when your partner speaks to you as if you’re a child. The presenting problem can be that their tone upsets you, however, what does that tone trigger for you? Perhaps it reminds you of feeling inferior in your childhood or it’s a similar tone your ex-partner spoke in before they hurt you emotionally or even physically.
At that moment, what seems like a small annoyance can result in your body having a visceral reaction and can increase your feelings of negative feeling or even unsafety in your body. What do you need instead? Depending on the circumstances or the person it can change. Perhaps what you need is your partner to acknowledge or understand this part of you to reassure you or maybe you need them to say “I love you” or for them to give you a gentle hug to remind you that you both are a team and love each other—identifying your needs and learning to vocalize them and be the difference between being connected or feeling isolated emotionally.
How might learning how to communicate needs strengthen my relationship?
There is a Buddhist quote that states, “Without communication, there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love. Without trust, there is no reason to continue”. Throughout our lifetime, we have learned to protect what is ours, including our hearts, needs, and wants. This protection is to prevent ourselves from being hurt at the hands of another person. However, in the battle between you and the world, your partner almost always manages to end up on the side against you instead of fighting by your side. Aren’t you tired? Tired of always fighting and forgetting that the person you are fighting with is the person you are supposed to love? Learning how to identify your needs, understanding what happens within you when you are at war with your partner, developing skills to communicate your needs, and creating the space within yourself to hear your partner without shame is the recipe for a long-lasting relationship.
Contact Harper Therapy today to learn how to create a relationship built to withstand any obstacles that come at you.
