Putting The Broken Pieces Back Together
Shamon and I recently had the opportunity to attend a Kintsugi workshop. Kintsugi is an ancient Japanese art of putting broken pieces of pottery back together with gold. Surprisingly, the put-back-together piece ends up being stronger than the original piece. This is a metaphor that I use often with couples who come in for affair recovery, so I was eager to actually EXPERIENCE it.
Let’s just say that it’s not what I thought it would be.
Granted, the true process of Kintsugi is not smashing a ceramic bowl with a hammer and then using super glue and gold paint to put it back together again that we used in the workshop. As other workshop participants gently tapped their bowls multiple times in an attempt to break it, I only needed one solid WHACK before I saw the towel that my bowl was wrapped in deflate as the pieces crumbled. I quickly started to wonder how in the world I would fit the pieces back together again.
Then, there was the gluing. And the re-gluing. And strategically placing painter’s tape over sections as I waiting for the super glue to dry (that stuff is powerful, so why did it take SOOO LONG??!!). I would think a section was dried and try to move to a different part of the bowl, only to have the section that I had been working on crumble.
This happened over and Over and OVER again.
I breathed. I sighed. I reminded myself that putting things back together – and healing – takes time.
I had to walk away from it.
And come back.
It was so much work and took so much longer than I thought it would.
Until the pieces finally came together and I carried a beautiful piece of art home.
And I realized what a great metaphor it is for the work of affair recovery. In fact, this metaphor might feel very familiar to you as you are looking around at the shards that used to be your put-together relationship.
If every relationship goes through harmony, disharmony, and repair, an affair can be to the relationship like taking a hammer to a piece of ceramic – completely shattering everything that the couple has known their relationship to be. And, to be clear, there’s a long road of repair ahead for the couple who decides to work on the relationship, so it’s understandable that not every couple chooses to.
Over the coming weeks, we’ll be talking about the process of afair recovery – from perspective of the betrayed partner and the involved partner. We’ll talk about how to rebuild trust and how to renegotiate relationship 2.0, the stronger, beautiful, put back together with the gold of sweat, tears, and relationality.
If you find yourself in this extremely difficult situation, here are our starting tips:
Get help sooner rather than later. Betrayal, whether it’s sexual, emotional, or financial, is very complicated to try to address on your own.
If you are the involved partner, you MUST be willing to end the betrayal. Or, if you’re not sure about moving forward with your marriage, you must be willing to put the betrayal aside while you do the work with your partner to decide if you will continue. Full stop. Otherwise, you’re fooling yourself, your partner, and wasting your time.
If you are the betrayed partner, it’s normal to feel conflicted about what to do. Many people find themselves reconsidering previous certainties of “if my spouse ever cheated, I’d be out”. Relationships can be more complex than that and it’s ok to table your preconceived thoughts about it as you explore what actually is true for you in this moment.
If you and your partner decide to get help, be sure that the therapist you’re considering can truly offer the level of support that you and your partnerer need and deserve. Many therapists who offer “couples counseling” don’t actually have specific couples training. Even fewer have a framework for affair recovery. Many therapists offer a free consultation where you can ask questions like this.
At Harper Therapy, we have the training and experience that you’re looking for. You can call 813-434-3639 to schedule a free consult so that we can answer your questions and make sure it’s a good fit.
