Are you my mother? How to access your own internal loving parent.
So far, we've covered the critical voice and where it stems from, and have alluded to the fact that there is another more kind and compassionate voice within that typically gets drowned out by the critical one. Most of us are not familiar with this nicer voice, at least not when it comes to the way we talk to ourselves. In fact, that voice often seems downright nonexistent. Even when you have a "win", it's not likely that you are cheering yourself on and giving yourself props. What's more likely is that you simply shrug and move on to the next thing. Maybe you're not beating yourself up, but you're certainly not celebrating yourself like a friend, spouse or parent would. Does this ring a bell? If so, you have not discovered your inner cheerleader or what we like to refer to in therapy as your inner loving parent.
As kids, we often viewed our parents or parental figures as demi-gods; we idolized them thinking they could do no wrong yet in reality, our parents were complicated flawed individuals who made mistakes and likely hurt us at one point or another. When we ask clients in therapy to call on a more compassionate voice within, many have a hard time imagining what that voice even sounds like. When this happens, we ask clients to think about their child or maybe a niece, nephew, or friend's child and ask how they might talk to them...would they criticize them or put them down? Would they make them feel bad for not doing things perfectly or for making a mistake? Probably not.
All of us have an "inner parent" that is wise, kind and loving, that tells us that it's going to be okay and that we are doing the best we can given the circumstances. Maybe we did not hear these messages growing up, but we can certainly start telling ourselves these things now. You might wonder, what's the point? Why does it matter how I speak to myself? Well, think back to the example I gave last week of leaving my credit card at home and only realizing it when I was ready to check out at the store. Had I let the critical voice dominate my thinking, my day could have looked a lot different; I could have continued to be hard on myself and maybe let it bleed into how present I was with my daughter that day or how I treated my loved ones.
Lord knows when I'm not being kind to myself, I'm likely not being kind to the people around me. By being able to take a step back and get perspective (i.e. be nicer to myself), I am able to be more present for my life and the people who matter the most. To me, this is worth every bit of the energy and effort it takes to try and find this kinder voice and amplify what it is saying.
If you're interested in learning how to find your own "inner parent" and learn how to be kinder to yourself, please give us a call at (813) 434-3639.
