Avoiding the Trap of People Pleasing
A common struggle I see in counseling is the idea of trying to improve other people’s happiness at the expense of your own needs. I also call this trying to fit into other people’s boxes. This can look several different ways. It can be canceling what you want to do because you do not want to disappoint your friend who asked you to hang out. Or maybe it is not voicing your opinion of where you want to eat because you are not sure if your friend would like to eat there. Or feeling really anxious when having a conversation, because you are not sure if the other person is having a good time and maybe you should “try to be more interesting” or “change the topic” or talk more/less”, all the while noticing you are not being present, resulting in YOU not having a good time.
So, I could attempt to explain the “why” of what causes individuals to sacrifice their happiness for the happiness of others, but reasons are often complex and more importantly, individualized to the specific person participating in therapy. Thus, it can be impossible to provide a blanket “why” and have it be applicable to all situations. Many times, it can be due to seeing your parents interact in this manner, or possibly you did not feel as if you “had a voice” or a say in things while growing up. Others may revert to this pattern due to a history of trauma or bullying. The takeaway here is that different people have different “whys”, and this is something that counseling can help explore. What I do want to talk about; however, is how you can try to fight that inner voice that says you need to “people please”.
Recognize if that critical voice has an origin. Who is that voice? Is it you? Is it maybe a critical adult in your life from your childhood or maybe a bully? Talk to that voice, let it know that you are letting go of it because it is not serving you anymore.
Positive self-affirmations/ Acknowledge that your needs are important. This can look like a small mantra or phrase you can say in your head when you notice that critical voice coming up. It can be helpful to make that voice “sound like” someone who you know to be supportive and caring of you and your needs. Imagine what kind of things that person would say. Many times, I have clients make this a real or pretend nurturing figure. Practice these self-affirmations when you are not in the middle of a stressful situation to strengthen this skill for when it IS needed. Things you can say include “I am not responsible for other people’s emotions”, “my needs are important too”, “I am practicing self-love by setting boundaries”, or “I am lovable even with my imperfections”.
Appreciate that Boundaries are not a bad thing. People will not hate you for setting boundaries or expressing your opinion. If a person gets mad or reacts by not speaking to you because you decided where to eat or let them know you’re unavailable to be social, they may be someone who is not respecting your boundaries. Boundaries actually can be a gift you give someone. When someone knows your boundaries, it can make them feel safer and happier because good friends want to know when you are feeling uncomfortable and most likely want you to be happy. If they know your boundaries, they can feel more comfortable asking you for something or to do something, knowing you in turn feel comfortable saying no if you are unable to or simply do not want to. Something I tell clients is reverse the situation and think about how YOU feel more peaceful or satisfied knowing one of your friends or family members has made their boundaries clear, so you do not have to guess how they are feeling or what is okay to ask.
All of this requires practice and patience. Remember, we are all works in progress and all have areas of growth. The more compassion you show yourself, the easier it will be for you to let go of trying to fit other people’s boxes, because you will start to, and be more focused on, loving YOURSELF more.
Call Harper Therapy at 813-434-3639 if you would like to set up a free consultation.
